I’m sat here in complete denial that tomorrow, after six months off work, I will be going back to the dreaded ‘W’ place….. work. This fills me with ultimate sadness and is breaking my heart to the point where i’ve thought of every reason why I can’t possibly go back. Thing is, there should be no bigger reason that that small tiny thing of wanting to spend time with my baby, unfortunately, babies don’t exactly make the world go round (ok they do, but that’s a whole other post), we quite simply can’t afford for me to take any more time off. I feel sick.
Someone asked me the other day if i’ve been to any groups, i shook my head and them tumbled out why i hadn’t attended anything so far. I felt ashamed, i feel ashamed and i feel guilty that i haven’t been to anything yet and will most likely never get chance to go to either.
Those close to me and fellow readers know how much of a bad time i had when giving birth to my Son. It really literally took weeks to get on my feet, i was so unwell for that first period that before i knew it, he was almost 3 months old. I only just now feel like I am at a point where i can go out with him on my own and not worry that he will murmur a sound or not have any idea what he may want or need. It’s only now i feel fairly comfortable in the role of Mummy and now i feel like that role’s being taken away from me and i will become almost non-existent Mummy. I want to cry.
Have we really missed out by not going to any groups yet?
I feel so sad that this is a community i may never be part of and Jacob may never be part of with me.
Sometimes Mummyhood can be so lonely……..