Mirror Mirror on the Wall….

This post saddens me to write, it breaks my heart into pieces to even think about it, so to express it here is really something else….

I love photographs, well, taking photographs of other people anyway, it hasn’t always been this way.

I remember a time, in the not so distant past, that i’d love to strike a pose for the camera. Photos by myself were never a problem, photos with groups of my friends and the people I love were just a click of a disposable camera away and I loved seeing the results. The excitement of sending some camera film off and not really knowing what to expect was electric, I was never bothered whether I had an extra chin or a role of fat was taking over the whole photograph for all to see, i just didn’t have to worry about it. With digital cameras, I suppose, it is easier to be able to inspect the photograph and be so critical of myself.

I’m not quite sure where the anxiety of having a picture taken came from, maybe it was putting on weight pre baby, post baby is a whole other ball game. I HATE it, with a passion. I hate it so much that I can barely take photographs of myself with my own child because I hate to look at myself on pictures SO much. Now you may think this is ridiculous or even vain. It really isn’t about vanity, it’s about insecurity i guess.

The words “X has tagged a photo of you” fills me with utter dread, to the point where i have a mini panic attack and then when I do open the picture, i open it with squinted eyes. When I put on my make up, I do so using the smallest mirror possible so that I don’t have to look at my whole face. As i’m typing this, I am realising how silly this sounds, but it really has taken over my life.

A friend commented that there are hardly any pictures of me and my boy. She is right. I have one that was recently developed, it is ok, it still took at least 10 goes to make me even slightly happy with the outcome and I detest this so much. We have no family pictures of all 3 of us and I feel like time is ebbing away and I will have nothing to show for it. When my boy becomes a big boy, what will I say when he asks “Mummy? Why are there no pictures of us all together?”

This is an issue, I know it is, and it is something i want with all my heart to overcome.

I don’t know how, but I need to make some changes.

A picture says a thousand words.