This post saddens me to write, it breaks my heart into pieces to even think about it, so to express it here is really something else….
I love photographs, well, taking photographs of other people anyway, it hasn’t always been this way.
I remember a time, in the not so distant past, that i’d love to strike a pose for the camera. Photos by myself were never a problem, photos with groups of my friends and the people I love were just a click of a disposable camera away and I loved seeing the results. The excitement of sending some camera film off and not really knowing what to expect was electric, I was never bothered whether I had an extra chin or a role of fat was taking over the whole photograph for all to see, i just didn’t have to worry about it. With digital cameras, I suppose, it is easier to be able to inspect the photograph and be so critical of myself.
I’m not quite sure where the anxiety of having a picture taken came from, maybe it was putting on weight pre baby, post baby is a whole other ball game. I HATE it, with a passion. I hate it so much that I can barely take photographs of myself with my own child because I hate to look at myself on pictures SO much. Now you may think this is ridiculous or even vain. It really isn’t about vanity, it’s about insecurity i guess.
The words “X has tagged a photo of you” fills me with utter dread, to the point where i have a mini panic attack and then when I do open the picture, i open it with squinted eyes. When I put on my make up, I do so using the smallest mirror possible so that I don’t have to look at my whole face. As i’m typing this, I am realising how silly this sounds, but it really has taken over my life.
A friend commented that there are hardly any pictures of me and my boy. She is right. I have one that was recently developed, it is ok, it still took at least 10 goes to make me even slightly happy with the outcome and I detest this so much. We have no family pictures of all 3 of us and I feel like time is ebbing away and I will have nothing to show for it. When my boy becomes a big boy, what will I say when he asks “Mummy? Why are there no pictures of us all together?”
This is an issue, I know it is, and it is something i want with all my heart to overcome.
I don’t know how, but I need to make some changes.
A picture says a thousand words.